The First Rant
So... This is my new blog. I decided that instead of keeping just about everything I think entirely to myself, I'd actually write about it for a change where someone might actually see it. Here goes...
Regret.
Lately, this is what I've been seeing on so many people's faces at Case. Some people like to call it Case syndrome, where you've been here so long you're at the point where you think your life kinda sucks. You study for a while memorizing formulae and facts for a test in one of the many infamous science departments, you spend all day doing your readings for your various classes... You just get to the point where you start to think that your life sucks. Let's face it, from a certain perspective it does. Most of your friends at other colleges seem to have an abundance of time on their hands, they seem to party a lot more, and they just seem to be having a much better time of it. That darned grass just always seems to be greener on the other side. Meanwhile, you're here grinding through your work just to try to eke out a B (a C for some classes), and if you're really good an A. You party out of necessity on the weekends as a way to try to drown out the sorrows of the week so that hopefully you might be able to come back next week able to face down the terrors of OChem again, for example. It happens. It seems to be a fact of life here at Case. Of course, when we begin to compromise our own personal values in an attempt to try to stop wallowing in our sorrow, we bring that lovely 6-letter word upon ourselves.
Why do so many Case students regret coming here? Why do we turn to other means of trying to block the pain when all it does it bring us more regret?
It's because at the core level, we start to regret coming to Case.
Easy to say, isn't it? We think that with our overwhelming workload and the archaic texts we are forced to comprehend that our lives are terrible. So of course we turn to quick, easy ways to numb the pain. Who wouldn't? When your arms are hurting after a long day's work, you turn to painkillers to ease the pain, right? Then it is relatively easy to make the same analogy to some students' partying during the weekend... With the exception that under a certain age, some of this partying is illegal according to federal law.
Regardless, I'm no stranger to Case regret. Take myself, for instance. I am a Political Science/International Studies double major. Right now while my work may not be terribly difficult in comparison, I may still regret having come to Case. There are much better places to go for my undergraduate major... I could've gone to places like Georgetown or American and had a much better go of it. I'd have work, I'd be in an environment suitable for my major... Hell, it seems like Heaven in comparison to Case. Of course we ask the inevitable question:
"Why am I still here?"
The answer will always be different for everyone. It's pretty obvious what works for me doesn't work for you. I'm still here because at least I can still get a decent degree. I'm still here because I have a greek organization that supports me. I'm still here because I have people I genuinely care about. I'm still here because I care about the material in my courses, not just the grade. I'm still here because I care about my future enough to keep trying to make the most of things here. I'm determined to keep going on.
Best of all, I do not need to drink or do drugs to survive here at Case. I do not need it as a source of pleasure and I do not need it as a way to forget the past week's hardships. I do not need it, period.
Yeah, I must sound pretty arrogant right now. I'm sure you're not too thrilled about hearing me sermonize about the (clearly) demonic nature of your weekend habits. That last sentence was sarcasm, by the way. But still, I must sound all high-and-mighty right at this moment. That's just part of who I am, though. I'm a very judgmental person, and I believe that if I want to hold other people accountable for their moral or legal failings then I damn well better not be guilty of such failings myself. Hypocrisy is equal to moral death in my world. Such moral high ground does not come without its price, however. Every day of my life is a constant struggle between myself and how I wish the world to see me. I have cultivated this image for myself, and substantial parts of every day must be spent maintaining this lest I lose my high ground. To me, your lives are easy: You can do whatever you want and you'll feel fine about yourself. My life is a lonely road, however. I cannot do certain things because they would go against my code. I cannot do them as they would go against an oath I swore not to succumb to my baser motives. So just let me keep standing on this soapbox and let me make my point, because I think I've earned the right to.
At some point, we all had similar standards. Most of us do not want to do things contrary to the law because it's illegal. We'll get fined, thrown in jail, or worse if we break these laws. But then some of us come here. We experience Case regret. We start to feel terrible about ourselves. Worst of all, our personal lives suffer because of the stifling amount of work we get. Human beings don't want that. We don't want to be alone, as we are naturally social creatures. So then this idea of partying comes along. It's great. We go there, lose our inhibitions, meet people, and forget all about the terrible time we had during the week. We give in to hedonistic pleasures because it makes us feel good for that brief moment in our lives... But some of these activities are illegal! We are then forced to make a choice: Do we sacrifice our moral standing to achieve a personal pleasure, or do we stand for our beliefs and find some other avenue?
To most people the choice is obvious: We sacrifice moral standing. It's quick, and it's easy. Just take a few drinks, take a few puffs, and we're in another world entirely, separated from our past anxieties. We may even find a fun companion in it all. It really doesn't sound so bad. But we have to sacrifice our moral standing for it, and in doing that we are burdened with more regret. How? Do we really want to capitvate children with tales of how we tossed study room tables off of a balcony while filthy drunk? Would we want our future mates to know how many partners we went through and who they were before settling on them? Do you really want future employers knowing about what you did while high as a kite? Of course not. Some may claim otherwise, but in the future we will be saddled with this regret. We cannot achieve our maximum potential as long as we carry this type of baggage in our lives. I know this, for one of my closest personal friends has never been able to get over his failed potential as a result of these indiscretions.
So what is our other option? Find another way to get pleasure without any way to facilitate the process? That's a hell of a lot easier said than done. Hey, I'm still struggling with this issue. Basically, you pick the second choice and your life becomes an immense-happy-fun-time of personal cross bearing. Yeah, it's pretty damn hard. Temptation always waits around the next corner, and it's always going to try to bug you. It's a long hard trail, and as college continues for an under-21 year-old you find that it becomes increasingly lonely. The rewards, however, promise to be great. Take myself, for instance (as I am the best example for this as I know myself very well). I can leave college telling rousing stories of my stand against what I saw as corruption in the world. I can tell my employers with absolute confidence that I walked the straight-and-narrow in life. I can tell my children not to do these things, because their father possessed the will and strength of character to deny these temptations and forge his own path ahead through life. I will not be a hypocrite, and the words that I say will be without the taint of that hypocrisy. But most importantly...
I will not have that regret.
Getting over basic Case regret is hard, but I'm giving it a shot. I really want to study abroad next year and make the most of my college career all the while gaining invaluable experience. I'll be able to do more for myself and my future over there than I ever would indulging in those temptations for an entire year. I'm looking forward to each day of classes as something new to add to my repetoire of knowledge. By taking advantage of the opportunities for personal benefit here, I'm getting over that whole "I regret going to Case" thing and starting to maximize my potential. In terms of my personal life, I'm getting over the consequences of my decision not to indulge. I realize now that I can find other ways to enjoy myself here. It's difficult, yes. But not impossible. As I like to say every now and then, "I'm the man who makes the impossible possible" and I'm certainly going to apply that to this situation. Why?
Because alcohol, drugs, and hedonism in general can't be the only way to enjoy college life. I refuse to accept this and the regret that comes with it.
You can call me whatever you want. As long as you've taken the time to read this, you're free to express your opinion. If your response should be canny enough, I will reply to it as an equal. Should it be idiotic enough, then I'm going to be an arrogant bastard and make fun of you by lording my intellectual superiority over you. That's the the way this blog works.
Until next time,
Michael
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