The Nog Logs, Volume I

posted by brian at 03:22 PM

Real people. Real events. Real eggnog. A picture-guided story.

Well, this is my first real post. Let's try our hand at censorship, shall we?

Witness if you will, one Shoeless Sam. A man without fear. A man without shame. A man without shoes. A man who knocked on a door seeking eggnog and found instead the outer edges of... the Twilight Zone.
[00:20] <Kompootor> it's just that i couldn't find any eggnog when i got here
Figure 1: Kompootor = Shoeless Sam

Had he left it at that, this would have been just another ordinary night at just another ordinary school. But he didn't. Sam will unlock this door with the key of imagination, and into the Twilight Zone we will follow.

Warning: For your protection, this entry has been partially censored.

Desperate for eggnog, Sam uses the magic of The Internet to find a recipe.
[00:24] <Kompootor> but anyway [00:24] <Kompootor> yeah i need to find eggnog tomorrow [00:24] <fabs> you should find some bud. [00:26] <Kompootor> ooh ooh a recipe on making eggnog [00:26] <fabs> woah, i'm not sure i would trust you to make egg nog [00:26] <Kompootor> holy shit i have to de-yolk nine eggs
Figure 2: Would you trust a shoeless man to make your eggnog?

Ever ready to fight the system, the blame for Sam's eggnog shortage quickly shifts to its brief stocking season. Before long, those oppressed by the seasons are united in cause!
[00:30] <Kompootor> man making nog is a lot of work [00:30] <fabs> which is why it comes pre-made and that's so handy! [00:31] <Kompootor> i know, but Giant Eagle isn't carrying it anymore [00:31] <Kompootor> stupid short noggy season [00:31] <beefyt> yeah, nog season is pretty tight [00:32] <fabs> now i want some egg nog, damnit. [00:32] <exogen> me too [00:32] <fabs> make it so, pootor, make it so.
Figure 3

Not one to sit around complaining, I quickly spring into action! A plan is formed.
[00:32] <exogen> wanna go to the 24 hour giant eagle [00:32] <exogen> I will pay for it [00:32] <fabs> hm.. [00:32] <Kompootor> exogen - that's what im saying, no nog at the eagle [00:32] <exogen> what! [00:32] <Kompootor> at least call ahead and see [00:32] <fabs> did you try the big giant eagle? down mayfield? [00:32] <Kompootor> but i mean, there's gotta be some store in the area still carrying [00:33] <Kompootor> oh no, i didn't [00:33] <fabs> well then [00:33] <exogen> fabs you call [00:33] <fabs> let's go! [00:33] <fabs> call? [00:33] <fabs> why must i call? [00:33] <exogen> to see if they have it first! [00:33] <fabs> you get the number and i'll call [00:33] <exogen> ok [00:33] <fabs> and then convince someone to drive. [00:34] <Kompootor> 382-6500 [00:34] <fabs> you sure about that, pootor? [00:34] <fabs> i do'nt wanna wake someone up. [00:34] <Kompootor> I mapquested it fabs, don't worry [00:34] <exogen> yeah fabs [00:34] <fabs> k [00:34] <exogen> call! [00:34] <Kompootor> get at least 8 quarts [00:35] <fabs> i'm calling!
Figure 4

But as reality sinks in, the less composed among us begin to fall apart.
[00:36] <fabs> no one's answering [00:36] <exogen> those fuckers! [00:36] <fabs> w0rd [00:36] <exogen> they're probably hiding all the egg nog as we speak [00:36] <Kompootor> god damn them all [00:37] <exogen> are you sure you dialed right fabs? [00:38] <fabs> yeah [00:38] <fabs> it's 216, right? [00:38] <exogen> this is not happening [00:38] <exogen> this is not happening [00:38] <Kompootor> yeah it is [00:38] <exogen> how do you make egg nog again? [00:39] <Kompootor> god damn them for not answering [00:39] <Kompootor> you need 9 eggs, separated yolk from white [00:40] <exogen> how the hell do you do that [00:40] <exogen> that's fucking impossible! [00:40] <exogen> if we all call at the same time, they'll have to pick up
Figure 5

Alas, a light shines down upon us from The Great Speakerphone in the Sky!
[00:40] <Kompootor> you i got on! [00:40] <Kompootor> i got on with giant eagle [00:40] <Kompootor> with a security guard, he's getting the manage [00:40] <exogen> oh WORD [00:40] <fabs> gah! [00:40] <exogen> I can taste it already [00:40] <fabs> how'd you do it! [00:41] <Kompootor> i just waited a long-ass time [00:41] <fabs> oooooh [00:41] <fabs> i don't have that kind of patience [00:41] <Kompootor> eh, i have speakerphone
Figure 6

Seeing into our immediate future much like TV Guide, I'm already one step ahead. Driving arrangements need to be made. But have I spoken too soon?
[00:41] <exogen> how much do you think it would cost to get a cab to giant eagle and back [00:41] <Kompootor> no car? [00:41] <fabs> what about freelunch, exo? [00:42] <exogen> ask him! [00:42] <fabs> he's your suitemate.. [00:42] <Kompootor> SHIT [00:42] <exogen> I thought he fell asleep in his chair [00:42] <Kompootor> they're all out [00:42] <exogen> WHAT [00:42] <Kompootor> bastards!
Figure 7

After hearing the bad news, others finally realize the urgency of the situation. At this point there is no question in our minds: tonight we are going to drink some motherfucking eggnog.
[00:42] <exogen> this is an outrage [00:42] <exogen> ask the manager if he/she will make some for us [00:42] <Kompootor> maybe i should just try every giant eagle in the area [00:42] <Kompootor> lol [00:43] <fabs> i'm trying tops right now. [00:43] <fabs> i'm not getting an answer there either. [00:43] <beefyt> theyre going to think you are high [00:43] <fabs> hush [00:43] <beefyt> calling tops at 12:45 [00:43] <beefyt> asking for eggnog [00:43] <kinz> what you looking for? [00:43] <kinz> ahh [00:43] <kinz> topps at severance is 24/7 [00:43] <Kompootor> i'll try the one by JCU [00:43] <Kompootor> are all giant eagles 24/7 [00:44] <exogen> no [00:44] <beefyt> no [00:44] <Kompootor> shoot i don't like bothering people [00:44] <exogen> do it man [00:44] <Kompootor> fabs, you call them - 371-3700 [00:44] <exogen> think of the nog [00:44] <fabs> hang on, i got someone on the line at tops [00:44] <Kompootor> i'll await the topps verdict [00:45] <Kompootor> man what ever will we do once we actually start getting homework [00:45] <fabs> tops is a negative [00:45] <exogen> FUCK [00:45] <exogen> ask them WHY THE FUCK NOT [00:45] <exogen> scream into the phone for 8 minutes [00:46] <fabs> that number's no good, pootor [00:46] <Kompootor> yeah it isn't [00:46] <Kompootor> im trying the one on broadway [00:46] <Kompootor> there's one by beachwood....
Figure 8

Detective Me has a hunch in The Case of the Missing Eggnog. Being a self-taught Google virtuoso, I can just see the results waiting to be found at Walgreens dot com.
[00:47] <exogen> there is a 24 hour walgreens, think they would have some? [00:47] <beefyt> walgreens? [00:47] <fabs> prolly not. [00:47] <beefyt> hell no [00:47] <Kompootor> ooh ooh good check that [00:47] <exogen> just call [00:47] <exogen> 851-1400 [00:47] <exogen> or 851-1472 [00:47] <Kompootor> wallgreens likes to convey to the bandwagons [00:48] <exogen> FUCK YOU WALGREENS DOT COM

Figure 9

Sam thankfully points out my mistake, and my agile fingers spring back to life!
[00:48] <Kompootor> it's one word
Figure 10

Figure 11: More like The Pharmacy America UNTRUSTS!

With little faith left in the old mortar and pestle, I decide to try out Wally G's store locator.

Figure 12: How did they know?

Flooded by results, we quickly distribute the work.
[00:51] <exogen> these are all 24 hour walgreens nearby: 932-0469, (440) 442-1888, (216) 587-1640, (216) 261-4494 [00:51] <fabs> damn.... [00:51] <fabs> i'll take the first two [00:51] <exogen> I'll get the last one [00:51] <Kompootor> i'll take third [00:52] <Kompootor> this is really sick right here [00:52] <fabs> yeah, a l'il bit
Figure 13

And we get a hit! In a world of selfishness and isolation, teamwork finally pays off.
[00:52] <Kompootor> woo a hit! [00:52] <exogen> all out [00:52] <exogen> REALLY? [00:52] <fabs> woah! [00:53] <fabs> now we need a car! [00:53] <Kompootor> i'm checking to see how much... [00:53] <exogen> tell them to put it on hold for us!! [00:53] <fabs> go bug freelunch [00:53] <beefyt> scored some nog [00:53] <fabs> he never sleeps [00:53] <Kompootor> ok i'll ask to reserve it [00:53] <exogen> reserve at least 4 gallons [00:54] <Kompootor> 16 quarts available, put on reserve [00:54] <Kompootor> this was the third phone number, fabs [00:54] <Kompootor> 99cents each [00:54] <Kompootor> I'm excited! [00:55] <exogen> 12777 ROCKSIDE RD GARFIELD HEIGHTS,OH 44125 [00:55] <exogen> that is the third one [00:55] <exogen> where the fuck is that? [00:55] <Kompootor> rockside Rd [00:56] <Kompootor> 7.4 miles away [00:56] <Kompootor> rockside and turney, by garfield heights
Figure 14

After some begging and bargaining with a guy who doesn't even LIKE eggnog, my friend Andrew Jackson and I are convincing enough to score us a car!
[00:56] <exogen> SWEET [00:57] <Kompootor> i have directions [00:57] <exogen> WE GOT A CAR [00:57] <Kompootor> WOOT! [00:57] <exogen> PRINT THEM [00:57] <Kompootor> fribs is closed... [00:57] <Kompootor> i can write them down [00:57] <exogen> do it! [00:58] <fabs> send it to me - i've got a printer. [00:58] <exogen> where do you live kompooter [00:58] <fabs> top of the hill. [00:58] <exogen> kompooter [00:58] <exogen> go to the bottom of the stairs [00:59] <Kompootor> ok gimme three minutes [01:00] <fabs> pootor - you've got directions, right? [01:01] <fabs> RIGHT?!??! [01:01] <fabs> and wear shoes. [01:01] <Kompootor> yep okay im coming now [01:02] <fabs> rock on [01:03] <exogen> okay [01:03] <exogen> let's go
Figure 15

Preparing to face the mean streets of Cleveland, Sam prints directions, we all meet up, and The Nog Squad heads out. Our Brave Pilot, Franz, takes the wheel. Our Shoeless Navigator, Sam, straps in. Our Adjectiveless Narrator, me, looks fashionable. Our Other Passenger, Melissa, uses butt frisbees.

Now, before I tell you what happens next, I would like to stress a very important point: DIRECTIONS ARE ONLY AS GOOD AS THE PERSON READING THEM. Keep this in mind the next time you have Shoeless Sam in your passenger seat.

Twenty minutes-in-the-wrong-direction later, we arrive at a completely non-eggnog-carrying Walgreens to ask for some help. We manage to get some directions from the clerk without him ensuring that we are actually looking for "egg dog."

How we then managed to survive the onslaught of knee-deep potholes, eager police officers, and stories of Sam's creepy stalking habits is beyond me. But at last our Walgreens was in plain sight.

At 2:01 AM, we made our purchase.

Figure 16

As you can see, we bought 16 quarts at 99 cents a piece. That's 4 gallons of eggnog-- more than most families drink in several years! We threw in some ground nutmeg for good measure.

With our mission accomplished, we decided to rub it in the season's face by also picking up some Taco Bell on the way home. Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

Thanks to: