Why English Teachers Die Young
The following are actual metaphors and similies found in high school essays.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and
now goes around the country speaking at high schools about
the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty
bag filled with vegetable soup.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like two
freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.
traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at
a speed of 35 mph.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a land mine or something.
Comments
Posted by: Andrew Witte
Posted on: March 27, 2006 11:51 PM
Half of them are stolen from Douglas Adams, and the other half are just pathetic.
I've seen a list like this before, but these are new - is it updated annually or something?
Posted by: Kyler Chavez
Posted on: March 28, 2006 03:47 AM
My friend, whether stolen, borrowed, snatched, or otherwise, you've made me chuckle at 3:45am. And for that I thank you.
Posted by: Brandon Smith
Posted on: March 28, 2006 09:09 PM
Obviously I got them from somewhere, I didn't make them up myself, and wasn't implying that by not citing any sources.
I came across them years ago, and don't have the source available, but... I also didn't think one NEEDED such things when sharing humor. I'm sure the original writer intended his work to be distributed and enjoyed regardless of credit to him.
i was surprised to find someone who disagreed, actually. like the discovery of a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.