When What You Think You Know is Not What is True
Today I took the bus onto campus to do a little work, and, to my relief, I actually did some work (mostly related to Toni Morrison, two of whose novels will provide the textual basis for my paper about the function of gossip and the sharing of superstition in communities of African American women). Yesterday, I admit I lived a bit of a cliche, facing my recent life changes by wallowing in bed all day and watching half the first season of Lost on Netflix Instant. Work is going to have to be extremely important to me for the next few months (though, I daresay Netflix Instant will be a big help, too).
Today on the bus, a guy in the seat in front of me was reading a self-help book. There was a list of "things we tell ourselves" and my nearsighted self could mostly make out what it said. I did not lean in too close, because the guy was a bit smelly.
Anyway, one of the entries on the list really spoke to me. It said, "I think because I am good to people that people are good to me." Wow.
Don't misunderstand the diction here, which is a little ambiguous. The writers of self-help manuals do not tend to be masters of the linguistic arts. What the statement is not saying is, "one reason people are good to me is probably because I am good to them in return. Basic cause and effect."
No. The book is saying, to people like me, and probably like this smelly guy, and anyone else who needs self-help books and therapists and cathartic blog-writing, "Just because you treat people well does not mean that they respond in kind. You may get along well with everybody, and proceed generally without conflict. DO NOT MISTAKE THIS FEELING FOR THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE MUTUALLY SUPPORTIVE."
Some of us are putting good things out there all the time, trying to be selfless, trying to make other people feel better. Eventually, you have to ask yourself, "Who does this for me?" When you realize that the answer is, "Nobody," then you know you have a problem.
Comments
Posted by: Mr Fleshlight
Posted on: September 28, 2009 12:44 PM
I think if you put kindness out it will come back to you. It is essentially selfish and self-centered to be kind to others "expecting" kindness in return.
You should expect nothing in return. Giving kindness is the goal itself, not receiving it.
Posted by: Erin
Posted on: September 28, 2009 03:25 PM
I could delete this comment, which I know is really just being made to advertise your stupid adult toys. But actually, I want to address your BS opinion.
IT IS NOT REASONABLE to expect someone to live entirely for other people. It is a Hallmark cliche that "giving kindness is the goal itself." We all need to take care of people, but we need to be taken care of in return or we martyr ourselves. It is NOT HEALTHY to put yourself last, and I feel that it needs to be said, and said again, because women especially--mothers, girlfriends, wives--are subject to this BS. So suck on that.
Posted by: Robor
Posted on: September 29, 2009 12:52 AM
Amazing! Not clear for me, how offen you updating your blog.case.edu.
Posted by:
Posted on: September 30, 2009 06:00 PM
Wow. Defensive. I must've hit a nerve...
First off: Adult toys are not stupid.
Second: Who said anything about living for other people? You make it sound like looking after other people and looking after yourself are mutually exclusive.
Third: It's more of a cliche that women put other people before themselves. That's the typical "oh poor me, I don't get any respect or support" victim mentality. If a person is secure and fulfilled in herself it doesn't matter what other people are giving or not giving. You are content as things are.
Fourth: Go ahead and delete the comment. I'll find another site. Suck on that, sweetie...
Posted by: Erin
Posted on: September 30, 2009 07:36 PM
I think I hit a nerve, too! I'm pleased.
My condolences to your girlfriend or wife. I hope she's enjoying being content as she is.
Posted by: all about women
Posted on: October 30, 2009 11:28 AM
it's a nice topic that you share here. thanks for sharing this