Gregory Szorc's blog

My First Journal Entry

Well, I finally took the plunge and decided to create an online journal. I figured it would be a good idea for myself and others to read about what is going on in my life.

For those of you who don't know, I'm going through troubled times in my life right now. The side effects both from having lupus and from the medication used to treat it are catching up to me rather quickly. In the past month, I finally came to the realization that I am suffering from a major case of masked depression. Although this realization is beneficial from a medical standpoint, the consequences of this acknowledgement have resulted in the most difficult period of my life, second only to the period when I was bed-ridden due to the onset of lupus. With the drastic onset of many more depression symptoms, the invariable thought on my mind is "what if I had recognized my depression earlier?" The signs were present. What pall was pulled over my eyes to shield me from the truth? In retrospect, common symptoms of depression were present towards the end of my junior year in high school, albeit in minuscule quantity. They have gradually intensified over the past two and a half years, much like the slow, deliberate ascension of a rollercoaster on its lift hill. In the past month, I have been whipped about by the turmoil and chaos from the ride that ensues after this perpetual hill. I can only hope that the boarding station, my salvation, is in site. To my dismay, I have been rendered dazed and confused from the tempestuous turbulence of the journey so far and am unable to see the track ahead. I can only hope that the end is near.

The realization that my depression needed to be treated came to me only after it had crossed into the academic realm. About a month after classes commenced, I had an exam every day of the week. The material so far, I felt, was not too difficult and I was highly confident in my ability to do well on the exams. I studied more that week than I thought was humanly possible. When the dust had settled, I received one A, one B, a 32% B, and two sub 50% scores (I assume these were F�s). I was dumbfounded by the outcome. This was the event that triggered my self-awareness of the pitiful situation in which I was located. Up to that week of hell, I experienced increasing difficulties completing my homework. I just didn�t feel motivated to complete my homework. I would idly stare at papers, unable to extract from my mind the process required to solve the problems. I could tell I was becoming socially dull. My wit had all but escaped me. I was losing desire to flirt with all the amazingly intelligent and lovely ladies at my university. I stopped caring for my body by not exercising regularly. Fortunately, I was eating well, perhaps a little too well, as I can see now. My ability to recall information, especially names and small details, was severely attenuated. Worst of all, I just didn�t care about anything. I didn�t care that I was doing homework due that day during lecture. I didn�t care I was shunning my duties in my fraternity. I didn�t care I was losing points with the ladies. I just plain didn�t care.

After nearly losing it one night after the week of hell, I turned to my adopted little sister. If you don�t know my adopted little sister (Rachel Powers), she is an amazing person here at Case Western who I met during orientation week my freshman year. We�ve been good friends since. Rachel and I have always been there for each other, whether to provide a shoulder on which to cry, to give advice, or just to hang out and have a good time. (Rachel became my adopted little sister during her AXO rush period when I knew details about her rush that she didn�t, thus precipitating the outlandish belief that I was somehow a member of AXO.) That night, I told Rachel that something was wrong with me and that I needed help. I didn�t know to whom to turn. Rachel promised her aid. A day or two later, she delivered on her promise. Going out of the way to reschedule her organic chemistry lab and skipping o-chem lecture, she walked with me from the organic chemistry lecture hall at the beginning of class to Dean Patterson�s office in the Office of Student Affairs in Adelbert College, a tall, ominous, brick building housing the offices of higher administrative officials at my university. I say �ominous� because most students loathe the administration, somehow blaming them for the difficult academics here. Anyway, I met with Dean Patterson and informed him of my situation. I told him about my chronic condition, the gradual onset of symptoms, and my fear of what lie ahead. Having a degree in psychology, he recognized my necessity to see a psychologist. He and Rachel walked me over to University Counseling Services (UCS), where I had a brief, informative visit with a psychologist there. The ball was rolling.

The next three weeks were hectic in terms of scheduling. I had visits with my rheumatologist, my dean in the Office of Undergraduate Studies, Dean Patterson, my professors, and my academic advisor. All the while, things were not getting any better. Along the way, the rollercoaster ride had its highs and lows. On a high note, I would be going to see The Eagles in Columbus with Amanda, an amazing and compassionate Texan that goes to Indiana University with a host of some of my closer high school friends. The date of the concert, Thursday, October 23, loomed in the back of my head constantly. The thought of seeing The Eagles in concert with someone who shares the same passion about music as I was such an enticing thought. I decided that following the concert, I would just return with Amanda to IU to party the whole weekend. By putting so much emphasis on the concert, it is now apparent that I was unofficially setting my turnaround from depression as that weekend, this past weekend. Needless to say, my expectations of that weekend were extremely high. Meanwhile, I was still struggling at concentrating on my academics. I skipped my first class of the semester, I had difficulty completing my neural science reading requirements, and I noticed my social behavior was going downhill. When I drank, I failed to become socially entertaining as I always have been. Instead, I became more-low key and secluded myself. After recognizing this as a symptom of alcoholism, I stopped drinking for the most part. I�ve only had a few beers and a small visit from Jack since then. Somewhere in this time, I made the decision to finally buy a decent stereo for my car. I decided to go all out and buy one of the nicest decks currently manufactured. Being the audiophile that I am, I wasn�t satisfied with the sound quality when I installed the deck, so I purchased a really nice set of speakers. I figured I would be spending a lot of time in my car in the near future, and I wanted something to pass the time. Besides, music provides me with an escape from reality. Unlike my room, music in my car provides me a time when I am one with my car and my music, a place where I can listen to what I want, when I want, as loud as I want�I might as well be in a different world.

Two weeks before the concert, I thought my expectations of a turnaround would hold true. I was feeling remarkably better. I wasn�t having as much difficulty concentrating on my homework, spirits around the campus were high due to the warm weather, my endless pinball game of appointments around campus was ceasing, and fall break was imminent. Unfortunately, the week after, both the week of mid-terms and the week before the concert, was a step-down from the week before. At the beginning of the week, I had gone to IU to get away before the stresses of midterms caught me. Although the party scene was lame the day I went, I found it refreshing to see some old friends again. During the six hour drive to Bloomington, IN, I became one with my stereo. I was in a state of pure bliss. I had never experienced music the way I did during that drive. At IU, Seeing everybody and meeting new people, especially Amanda�s friend Michelle, reminded me of who I once was and to whom I would soon hopefully revert. The joy was short-lasting however. On the way back to Cleveland on Sunday, I was stuck in traffic for 90 minutes. I didn�t arrive back at the house until midnight. It turns out I had kitchen work-session that night as well, so I had to spend an hour or so cleaning all the dishes. By this time, I was physically exhausted from not sleeping well the night before, the combined 14 hours driving over two days, and cleaning the dishes. Determination got the better part of me, and I decided to do my homework that night. The next day I was exhausted. On Tuesday, it hit me like a brick wall. I felt like I was back to how I was the weeks before. Thankfully, the professor for my hardest class let me postpone my mid-term in his class because of my medical condition and the fact that I had three exams scheduled for that day. This eased a lot of stress and paved the way for a peaceful, serene fall break, albeit one with studying.

I drove home Friday night. Saturday came really early, as I had to travel upstate to practically Chicago to witness what turned out to be my little brother�s final marching band competition. It was disappointing that they did not earn a spot at the state finals, but what can you do. We got home late that evening and I was too tired to go to Purdue to party. To be honest, I didn�t feel like partying anyway. On Sunday, I woke up early and went to church with my parents. Later that afternoon, I went shopping with my mom. On Monday, I slept in and went out to lunch at Panera Bread with my old high school friend Jessica, who was also on fall break (those lucky Depauw students get a full week!). Shortly after lunch, I packed and returned to Cleveland so that I could make my doctor appointment at 1PM on Tuesday.

On Tuesday, I learned that my blood work came back positive. There were no signs that the lupus was expanding to my central nervous system or that I was developing a more severe form of the disease. The doctor did make one mistake though. He mentioned that the anti-depressant hadn�t started to kick in yet. Apparently it takes four to six weeks for it to start working. Of course, there is a certain psychological euphoria that initially comes from taking medication. By telling me this, my doctor effectively burst the bubble of well-being that had been expanding in the past week. After the appointment, I went back to the very quiet fraternity house to study for my postponed exam occurring the next day. I assimilated tons of information, or so I thought. When I sat down to take the exam, I was unable to elicit the necessary details for complete, correct answers. I couldn�t understand what had happened. I had studied my tail off, memorized tons of information, yet still managed to do horribly. Oh well, I thought, the next day I would see Amanda and The Eagles, and things would be better� or so I thought.

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