February 19, 2004
Back to Writing, Part II
After sleeping twelve hours last night and skipping my three lectures today, I started feeling a lot better. I made significant progress on the room (it is sooooo close to being done!!!) and was ready for tomorrow. Of course, waking up at 1:30 PM and trying to go to bed at midnight doesn't exactly work out too well. After laying in bed for two hours and not being able to fall asleep, I decide to write part two of this saga.
In my last entry, I talked about my transition from life at home to college life. I talked about rebuilding my support system, pursuing opportunities, etc. It was a very depressing article-- an article written when I was at my most vulnerable period, a time when I was sick. When I contract an ailment, it is ten times worse than when it occurs in normal people. My body completely breaks down. My anti-depressant appears to lose its effect. I get the worst feeling in the world: the feeling that I am not in control.
Control plays an important role in everybody's life. Without control, a human cannot physiologically function. Some control is autonomous, such as the beating of a heart, breathing while sleeping, adrenaline rush, and most importantly, fighting off disease. For those of you who don't know, lupus is a disease that affects the immune system. To make a long story short, the immune system of a person with lupus lacks the ability to distinguish antigens (foreign materials like bacteria and virii) from the body's native cells. The immune system then creates anti-bodies targeted against its own cells. In other words, the immune system attacks itself. To prevent this from happening, lupus patients take drugs to reduce the activity of the immune system. This lowers the occurence of lupus symptoms, but it also leaves the body susceptable to invasion. Since my immune system is suppressed, I easily contract infections from the world around me. Virii that your body has no difficulty defeating can cause a world of hurt for me. To make it worse, when I do get an infection, every last iota of energy in my body is spent fighting off the invasion. I become physically tired and emotionally depressed. It is the nature of the illness... at least in me.
In this second phase of my life (I have to acknowledge that that bleak November week in 2001 when I had severe arthritis marks a dividing point in my life), I am constantly faced with challenges. Some challenges are new. Others are old. Some are expected. Some completely surprise me. Some are easy to overcome. Some are insurmountable. Being confronted with these challenges, especially those which are insurmountable, has led me down a dark and gloomy path. An unknown force is guiding me, to where, I have not a clue. I yearn to turn around, to retrace my steps, but as I look behind me, the light which will guide me out of the tenebrous path is but a glimmering speck in the distance. Escaping from this fate does often cross my mind, but the dark path is easy to follow and the journey out will not be facile.
I often ponder what will liberate me from this dark chasm in my life. My stresses are constantly compounding. The support structure beneath me is buckling under the fierce load. My life needs re-enforced. To what/where/whom can I turn for this vital aid? That is the problem that perplexes me. Do I, somewhere deep inside of me, know the answer that will lead me to salvation? Will someone or something escort me out of the darkness? Or, will the glimmering beacon, under influence of someone or something, suddenly intensify, illuminating my exit from this appalling life? I can only hope that my dreams provide the answer...
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