A modest proposal for cell phones in libraries
The decline of Western civilization proceeds apace. One shudders to imagine life in decades hence. A case in point: People now use cell phones in research libraries.Wandering the stacks, they babble away in a blithe and full-throated matter -– conversing, not with their imaginary friends (as did the occasional library-haunting weirdo of yesteryear) but rather with someone who is evidently named “Dude,” and who might, for all one knows, be roaming elsewhere in the building: an audible menace to all serious thought and scholarly endeavor.
This situation is intolerable. It must not continue. I have given this matter long consideration, and can offer a simple and elegant solution: These people ought to be shot....
Shooting with actual bullets might be excessive. If the budget permits, some kind of taser gun would be appropriate. Failing that, buckshot would probably do the trick.
Admittedly, a rational person could object to my plan. “Wouldn’t shooting cell-phone users in research libraries be counterproductive?” you might well ask. “Wouldn’t that actually make the library more noisy?”
A fair point. Yes, it would. But not for long....
A rational LIBRARIAN would note that buckshot would be just as lethal as bullets at close range, that the scatter from a shotgun would create preservation problems....and how would combustion products from nitrocellulose affect the aging of paper? It's hard enough to keep the patrons from bleeding on the books when we're not the ones ventilating them.
But with the main point, I'm in firm agreement. Patrons amaze me when they discuss their most personal life details here, loudly and at length.
Tip o'hat to DeCoster.
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