Entries in the Category "Humor"

Spanish for failed Don Juans

Last night, I was bored with the music in the car, so I popped in a cassette of Berlitz' Spanish for Travelers. I mean, why not improve myself, given that my Spanish is limited to numbers, West Side commercial signs, and the occasional obscenity? But I was shocked to encounter a section on dating...as if you're going to make meaningful contact with phrasebook Spanish. It's hard enough in English(as in the story of the English lad who made a breakfast date with an American girl and said "I'll knock you up in the morning"-- which got his face slapped.) There was "May I buy you a drink?" and the cigarette-lighting gambit (a bit dated...hey, it's a CASSETTE). I guess 12 zodiac signs were too much to learn. And there were a few moderately-forward comments and requests. Strikingly, all the material seemed to "assume the sale" and that the dater would have no trouble. I suppose that in the event of trouble one could go into "No hablo Espanol" mode and press bravely forward, but such behavior is boorish at best, and in the extreme is criminal. And it's hard to pull off in a language where "no" means "no".

So here are my nominations for useful phrases we might hear. Readers might contribute translations, or their own favorites.

For beating a hasty retreat:
"I need to go home to my ten children."
"I need to help my husband clean his guns."

To indicate unavailability:
"I'm having my period" (a classic from my college days...guys would compare notes, and there were apparently women with serious gynecological issues.)
"I have AIDS" (when the above isn't final enough.)
"I'm sorry, I'm a lesbian."

Or the insulting:
"Is that a cockroach in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?"
"I'm sorry, I'm not a lesbian"

Retirees, causing trouble

In the spirit of the remarks I made at Summerfes, a joke from my father:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

This blog is PG-13

...according to these folks. But look at the criteria:

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* dead (4x)
* gay (3x)
* kill (1x)

Duh! Given that this is called "The Quick and the dead" (which is a reference to the Nicene Creed, you idiots), there's not much help for it.

Oh boy, the Joo-haters just found my blog!

Apparently, sometime during the past 24 hours, a certain group of people have found this post and posted comments. Supposedly the link came from TheBirdman.org, but I didn't find it over there (not that I spent a huge time looking). Ah, what to do? Shall I approve the posts, edit them, or what? Well, I'll take on the substantive one, from appollonian:

This above-noted "Libertarian" is just another moralist-Pharisaist, most probably Jew, not worthy of any serious notation/response

But you're responding, aren't you? Do you always do things unworthy of das Herrenvolk? For the record, even though with my beard and curly hair I have passed for Jewish (particularly among Lubavitchers and anti-Semitic African-Americans), my ancestors for as far back as I am aware have been Gentile. I can't absolutely rule out being Jewish under a "one drop rule", but then, neither can you.

For again, obvious problem for original blog entry/post is all the brainless question-begging and presumption: WHAT IS MORAL?--and there is no basis, hence definition, but as for Immanuel Kant, "hey, we just feel like we want there to be 'morality,' so therefore we declare not only 'morality' to exist, but we think it's so cool be be 'moral' as we feel that 'space-kadet glow' as we pretend to 'moralism.'" It just makes me feel so "good" and "cool," u see, as I pretend to be "moral"--especially in everyone elses' faces--so these people imagine unto themselves. Moralists are just people with inferiority complex--moralism then makes them feel good, see.

OK. You don't believe that morality exists. Then I guess it's OK with you for me to use you for target practice. After all, it's just my desires against yours.

(2) "Rights" are properly matter of social contract and agreement--as so excellently and definitively laid down by Thomas Hobbes in "Leviathan." Jews then never had any "rights" in Germany (or anywhere), being mere recipients of German charity, the poor German volk too unwitting of Jew anti-humanity.
If rights are contractual, they don't exist, except as privileges; they can be renegotiated at the drop of a trigger. And even if they are contractual, then Jews would have had rights in Israel, as they could contract for them there. Fortunately, you realize that you can't cut Jews out of human rights unless you first cut them out of humanity. That exposes your game.
So much for Jews, anti-human filth, scum, and the murderers of Christ, who affirm such Christ murder in their filthy book, Talmud.
So why would they kill one of their own?
CONCLUSION: Thus we see the empty arguments of original poster falling like confetti through the air--as there's no substance whatsover, the argument consisting of nothing more than subjectivistic wishful thinking (as regarding "moralism")

Not at all. Basically, the only hit you scored on my argument is the claim that morality has no objective existence (a claim that 99.9% of humanity soundly rejects). Let's accept that argument for a moment, and rephrase my main point: Would you like it if thugs with guns forced you into a boxcar and took you to another home? Did Hitler have benign intent toward the Jews? If not, how relevant is the actual scale and success of the Endlosung to its moral evaluation?

Bring civility back to politics,

"Ann Coulter" and "Bill Maher" agree. why?

The next time Bill goes riffing off a Condi Rice assassination ad lib, let his studio audience of flag-burning West Hollywood homos bark and whoop and clap like a mindless pack of trained Maoist circus seals. Because if you succeed in driving him off the air again, I stand to lose three chapters in my forthcoming best seller, "The Christ Haters."

...an outrageous laugh, and a friendly reminder, to anyone tempted to take the Commentariat seriously, that it's really all about the Benjamins.

Thanks to Mr. Beck.

Friday humor: writing God for money

A little boy wanted $100 for a new bike. He prayed and prayed, but nothing happened. Finally, he wrote a letter to God asking for the money, addressed it, "God /USA", stamped it and put it in the mailbox.

A postal worker saw it, said "Who is more like God than the President?" and forwarded it there. A worker in the White House mail room opened the letter and thought it was cute, so he sent a $5 bill to the kid's return address.

The boy was thrilled to receive the money, so he sat down immediately and wrote a thank you letter to God.

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those jerks deducted $95.00 in taxes."

The impotence of socialism

At its core, soCIALISm is impotent. Because of the muting or elimination of market signals, sustained growth doesn't occur, unless fed by external and unnatural inputs. Further, soCIALISm undermines the manhood of the working man, by making him dependent on the government's hand in order to overcome a hard life.

This observation is triVIA,GRAnted. But fun to contemplate.

Thanks to Case blog-admin Jeremy Smith, for pointing out the not-obvious in the course of doing his job.

Clinton getting a custom hybrid SUV

...a Mercury Mariner. But he really should have gotten...

(rim shot)

...a Hummer

Imitation moonbattery

The probable first hurricane of the season is Ernesto?
Clearly this was a deliberate slam at Hispanics. It's also a tweak at Castro, since that was Che's given name, and Che is a good (i.e., dead) Communist.
Bushitler has been laying low on the HAARP playing, just to make that point.

Friday humor: PETA, the Pope, and the loggers

On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off for some sight seeing. He was cruising along in the 'Popemobile' when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless PETA member, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .338 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding & semiconscious tree hugger from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured tree hugger in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy ?"

"It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting.....is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back into town and grab another one....?"