You see, I am what is known as a human being. As such, I have fulfilled all known requirements for being able to declare myself an excellent driver.
As We "excellent drivers" tend to do, I would like to use my position of meritocratic authority to complain about the tendencies of what (We refer to as) the dreaded other drivers — those people that have the audacity to drive on Our roads using vehicles similiar to Our own but causing Us to have to adjust Our driving to their presence (I swear to God, the nerve of some people).
Inconsistent Speed — Highway speed variations that seem to have no connection to the conditions of traffic or the road. People can range anywhere from 55 to 75mph. You're driving behind them at the nominal clip of 67mph when, suddenly, their speed drops to 59mph. You move to pass them, but they have (for no reason) increased their speed from 59 to now 71. You drop back behind them as they are now moving faster than your planted speed. They decelerate again. You move to pass. They accelerate. (This episode plays out indefinitely). There's a variation of this called the "I Just Want to Go Faster than You" driver. He sets his speed to be 1-2mph above whoever is directly in front of him. Passes them. Then slows down to whatever speed he is comfortable causing the person he just passed to have to pass him back causing him to go 1-2mph above whoever is directly in front of him causing him to pass that driver before settling into his slower more comfortable speed causing the other driver...
Not Using Turn Signals — This one is especially poignant when done by a person in a car sporting the bumber sticker "Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal."
Using the Passing Lane for Cruising — Irony steps in when a person guilty of doing this approaches another driver and begins tailgating and becoming irate at them for doing the same thing.
Hitting the Brakes for No Reason — There you are, cruisin' as one does, not tailgating or anything, and the driver in front of you stabs the brakes. You follow likewise and begin scanning the roadside in front of the other driver. Nothing was there. Nothing is there. You wonder what the Hell just happened. You see that the driver in front of you is picking up his or her cell phone and putting it to their ear. "Ahh, I see," you think to yourself. "The appropriate response to the cell phone ringing is to first jam your brakes then answer it.
Drivers Who Don't Merge at Speed — (This one was going to be "People Talking on Their Cell Phone While Driving," but it's so cliché to include that on lists of driving annoyances... it's just understood to be on all drivers' lists.) We've all been there; on an entrance ramp right behind the person who attempts to merge onto the 65mph highway at 20mph causing you to have to merge at 20mph and soliciting many honks.