In loving memory
I'm having a difficult time starting this entry. Not because I don't know what to say, but it hurts to think about it; because writing it down makes it true. I'm having trouble writing this, because after the day I've had, I should be sleeping, but then I might start to hope that this was all a nightmare.
I come from a huge Mexican family, where cousins, aunts, and uncles are all considered immediate family. If you think about it that way I have 28 brothers and sisters. We all grew up together (with the exception of the younger ones), and I am closer with my cousins than with any friends I've ever had.
So imagine, after a weekend of Vegas activities, hearing that one of your brothers has died. Scratch that. That one of your brothers has been murdered in cold blood at a party. That while you were out at a club acting like a fool, your brother was bleeding to death from gunshot wounds. And worse, it was because he was mistaken for someone else.
His name is (was) Cirilo, but we called him "Guero (Weh do)" because his skin was fair and he had hazel eyes. When he was little his parents (my uncle is his dad) split up. His mom found another husband and had a half-dozen kids, leaving no room for him. So he moved from relative to relatives' houses, and was finally sent to live with his uncle and aunt on his mother's side. Despite the mess he did his best and graduated high school last May - on time with his own class.
We didn't see him often, but when we did he was our cousin. He had a place with us, laughed and joked with us, and was loved by all of us. He was my little brother's age, and they had gotten closer as they got older - even though they didn't see each that much.
What makes this even more difficult is that he is the first Castro to pass away since my brother, Ruben, 15 years ago.
As I write this, I remember that Thanksgiving is coming oh so close, and it makes me think of how last year he spent his first Thanksgiving with us. He hugged every single relative - even the ones that I don't hug - and talked about how excited he was to graduate.
It also makes me think of my kids, and how I've just finished my first semester as a Teach for America Corps Member. I joined this program to help close the achievment gap, because I saw what happened to kids whose educations were less than adequate. Because I saw my 100% of my cousins graduate, but completely different statistics in others. But I believe, and I have to in order to keep myself going on a daily basis, that I can change that. That I can have an impact on my kids so that they know what an education can do for them. And it makes me angry, it makes me furious, that regardless of how many of my kids I can get through high school they're still not safe.
They can try their hardest and get through the system, but they don't always have the power to get through their neighborhoods. Guero wasn't killed because he was a gangbanger - he wasn't. He wasn't killed because he was dealing drugs. He was a casualty of his surroundings, and that is something my kids can't fight on their own.
I'm angry because he is my kids. The kids in the middle who fight their own battles in the educational system, and win without much ado from teachers.
So now, as I pack my bags to go home for Thanksgiving, I also pack other bags that I'll carry on my shoulders long after I unload my car at home. I'll carry the heavy load of a person who has endured loss and doesn't know how to cope with it. I'll carry the load of a teacher who sees what can happen even when the educational battles are won. I'll carry the load of a mission that must be completed, regardless of the possible outcomes.
Comments
Posted by: Lisa
Posted on: November 28, 2006 02:06 PM
Laura, I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin's passing. It was heartbreaking reading your blog and actually hearing your voice saying those words. It will take time to heal and recover, but I know it will make you stronger in the end. That won't take away the pain you're having right now, I know. I'm so sorry you and your family have to deal with this. Let me know if there's anything I can do.