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Forget cabin fever in February. I can't take late fall and early winter -- the gradual loss of daylight working up to the darkest day of the year. I actually notice by the first of the year that light is increasing.
Two more days and then the light starts increasing. Maybe then I can start to overcome the urge to hibernate.
Can't wait.
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Err-grumpft
Lately I've been feeling a feeling for which I have no word, so I'll try a bunch. Overwhelmed. Grumpy. Blue. Inadequate. Socially stunted. I'm unhappy about how poorly I feel like I'm keeping up with things. Work. Relationships. Dishes. Calling my mother after every round of medical tests. Groceries. Spiritual development. Laundry. Reading. Those five dozen things on my to-do list, some of which have been there since just after my wedding 18 months ago. We shan't even mention the Christmas to-dos.
It's a feeling that I think ought to have a word. Probably the Germans have a word for it but I'll be damned if I know what it is. So I've decided to make up a German-sounding word for it. Err-grumpft.
There are lots of things I can tell myself about being err-grumpft. I'm really doing just fine at work and it's only the little, less important thing that slide when things are really hectic. It's the yearly bout of seasonal affective disorder and this too shall pass. It's OK to be bummed about the fact that my mom's been sick. The dishes and the laundry (and the dentist and the wedding photos) will all be there tomorrow, and next week, and next year.
And really it all comes back to the same old same old. I'm too much of a perfectionist than is good for my mood and I'm not at all at peace with my perfectionism. A couple of phrases reverberate in my memory. "You don't always have to be strong" and "You're so hard on yourself."
You don't always have to be strong. This memory is an uncomfortably clear moment -- all that remains of a night blacked out by alcohol. Lots of alcohol. It was the night of my 22nd birthday. The night of the last "Burn This" performance. I'm sitting on the floor in the kitchen of theatre house, Andrea beside me. Bob Grant sits across from me looking like for all the world like I hit him. (Did I?) I must have muttered something about being strong -- I may have been talking to my stomach -- and Andrea says, "Trish, you don't always have to be strong." And I cried, "Yes, I do. See what happens when I’m not." Then I threw up again.
You're so hard on yourself. I'm sitting in the car with Jagu full of great Indian food and great conversation. It wasn't what he said. The sentence was not original or unfamiliar. It was the kind of thing that people say to me all the time and I hardly even hear because it... Well, it just doesn't fit, or it isn't so, or so what. Whatever. But it was different when Jagu said it because he said it with such poigniant, incisive sympathy. And I listened. I didn't just hear it, I listened. Then I burst into tears.
So what's different? I've always been a perfectionist and so I've probably been err-grumpft all my life to one degree on or another. Why make up the word now?
Life seems to be so much more complicated than it used to be. There are so many more expectations. More expectations, more opportunities to be imperfect. And now we're approaching Christmas -- a season of expectations and attempts at perfection. It tipped me over the edge of err-grumpft.
In the middle of all of this I read this article about the Charlie Brown Christmas special. There are a couple articles on this topic that have been written this week, but this one best appeals to my err-grumpftness.
And if that weren't enough, now we have to worry about which side of the Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays debate we are on. It's beyond "if you aren't with us you are against us." It's "if you aren't with us to the exclusion of all others you are against us." Peace on earth and goodwill, indeed.
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Paint you a picture
[3:27 PM]-Trish- I'm going to paint you a picture.
[3:27 PM]-Trish- office floor mat in cardboard.
[3:27 PM]-Trish- On the main steps of Tomlinson
[3:27 PM]-Trish- Lying flat
[3:27 PM]-Trish- John Gest
[3:27 PM]-Trish- attempting to ride it down the steps
[3:27 PM]-Trish- like a sled
[3:28 PM]-Trish- Carmen on the steps behind him
[3:28 PM]-Trish- Giggling
[3:28 PM]-Trish- behind her hand
[3:28 PM]-Trish- Me
[3:28 PM]-Trish- at the doorway to the back steps
[3:28 PM]-Trish- laughing my ass off
[3:28 PM]-Trish- .
[3:29 PM]-Bob- nice. a successful ride?
[3:29 PM]-Trish- no
[3:30 PM]-Trish- not enough weight distribution would be my guess
[3:30 PM]-Bob- gotcha
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Locked door
There is a locked door
to which I should have a key.
It is cold and dark.
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Those Finns are onto something
Ta-da! I completed my first MaDaCol last night.
Four concerts and what seems like a dozen run-throughs in the last week. Whew! I lost a few pounds.
I think I'll do it again. It was fun and great exercise. I'm remembering that it's much easier for me to get exercise on a regular basis when it's an appointment on my calendar and I'll be letting people down when I'm not there.
Of course, today, my back/left-hip and everything from knees down is achy.
So I went to the gym this afternoon to hang out in the whirlpool and sauna. I've actually been going to the sauna pretty often over the last month. As the weather has been getting progressively colder, I've started to crave the sauna's ridiculous heat.
The sauna is not a particularly popular spot at my gym and I think it's all the better that I usually have the place to myself. I like to lie naked on my towel, close my eyes and pretend I'm somewhere scorchingly hot with the sun beating down on me. I stay there until a puddle forms in my navel. I stay until the skin on the tops of my knees feels burnt and I have to drip water from my waterbottle onto them.
I think the best thing is going out into the cooler air, taking cool shower and -- most importantly -- having the cool feel good. Then outside, coat open, crunching through the snow to the car.
Snow is a lot easier to take when your core body temperature is significantly above normal. Must be why the Finns are so into saunas. Those Finns are onto something.
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Rant: Delegating social planning to an introvert?
I'm going to rant now. My office has this social committee, to which I was nominated because I'm new. That's fair. I jokingly call it the antisocial committee because the first meeting had two of the members at each other's throats, one wanting to quit and the rest of us trying to crawl under the table.
So I suppose it's only group dynamics that somebody needs to step up and be the leader or nothing seems to get done. I seem to have been been left holding that bag.
Now it's not the best idea to put the introvert in charge of social planning. Since I'm good at getting things done, I would normally be fine with it, but I have had the absolute worst time of things lately. And it's just left me feeling like I want to crawl under a rock and not come out until springtime.
So I've been getting emails from my fellow committee members with ideas and I've said, "Great. Schedule a meeting," or "Go for it" or whatever. *crickets* And then the invitable follow up, like I was supposed to get it done and I'm like "Would you please put that rock back on top of me! I'm not done hiding yet."
I'm not misanthropic or anything. I mean, I'm in MaDaCol and this is performance week and I'm fine with hanging out with all those folks. I'm looking forward to this weekend's visit from Elena and Karen and so forth. But maybe that's the key. Elena and Karen are people who accept me and are cool with me just being. Our interactions aren't based on the expectation that I need to accomplish something.
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